Who's Afraid of 50?

I turned 50 earlier this month. That's not unusual and certainly not newsworthy; thanks to the internet I'm in touch with many friends from my past who are exactly my age and everyone seems to take turning 50 pretty much in stride. But passing this big milestone has led to some reflection (and angst) on my part. I've been spending a lot (maybe too much) time thinking about my age, and what it means to me -- both emotionally and financially.

In many ways I feel relatively ageless. On the inside, I am more-or-less who I was at 18 -- fun-loving, impatient, analytical, casual, rule-bound... in many ways a bundle of contradictions. I have different people in my life, much more responsibility and experience to draw on, better impulse control but my thoughts and feelings on a day-to-day basis are very much the same. When I was in college, my faculty advisor once told me that she was stung by a student who said she (the student) couldn't identify with where the professor was coming from. My 50+ year old advisor told me, "I can completely identify with this girl -- I'm just like her." Although I couldn't imagine it to be true at the time, I get it now.

But if I look at myself today through the eyes of 18-year-old Annette (or my 17-year-old daughter) I see a very different picture. I see a middle-aged mom who is reasonably fit for her age, knows nothing about current music, loves movies, television and books, seems to be pretty successful professionally, secure financially and is lucky to have a very nice husband who puts up with her many quirks.

Not exactly what I imagined thirtysome years ago. Back then, I thought I could do anything if I decided I wanted to -- an assurance (or delusion?) I now see in my own sons. An ardent feminist, I dreamed of climbing to the top of the corporate ladder or building my own business empire. Things came easily to me at that age and it was wasn't hard to envision myself on top. I couldn't wait to escape my small town life and take my place in the big outside world.

But my younger self never anticipated that I would be unhappy in corporate life and would flounder about professionally for many years trying to find the right path. It turned out I had neither the drive nor the discipline nor the stomach to thrive in the cutthroat world of big business. After graduate school, a series of jobs in consulting provided me with a great education but the long hours and excessive travel made me miserable. It took a break from the workforce and a few dramatic family crises to bring me to financial planning.

I didn't have it all wrong wrong at 18. It turns out I was a city girl trapped in a small town and to this day I love urban life. When we moved to a house just a block from downtown several years ago I had finally realized my dream of city living and have loved every minute of it. Being in the city makes me feel more alive, younger I guess. And, I have been part of building a modestly successful business and have served in several leadership roles in my professional association for the past 13 years. I'm not the CEO of GM (thank goodness!) but it's been challenging and rewarding and fits my personality perfectly.

Financially, I've had a rare luxury. My husband and I were starving students after college, barely making it with our part-time jobs and begging for loans from our parents when we fell short. Until the birth of our oldest child, I earned more than my husband -- yes, the entire first two years of our marriage I was the "primary" breadwinner. Since then, the next 23 years, he has earned more, and even now much more than half our total household income. His financial success has allowed me to figure myself out while we put away money for college and retirement. We won't be retiring at 55 as we once dreamed, but we're in pretty good shape and on track to cut back and take things slower sometime after 60.

It sounds like we're living the dream, and in many ways we are. But I'm a planner, and I know that in life, autopilot doesn't work. In my 50 years I've seen unplanned pregnancies, parents die young or end up prematurely disabled. I've seen couples who seem completely happy together call it quits and model husbands announce their wish for a divorce by having their wives served with papers. I've seen accomplished professionals laid off and unemployed for extended periods. And don't get me started about can't-miss investments that have gone completely afoul. Everyone needs a Plan, and a Plan B and a Plan C.

Life is a series of unexpected events. I think that's something I know at 50 but had no clue about at 18. Back then, I thought I knew what lay ahead; now I never know what's coming next -- but that's what keeps it interesting. I haven't concluded that being 50 is better than being 18, but I wouldn't go back for anything. I'm more interested in seeing what happens next.

Annette Simon

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